I resolve to not resolve to get in shape. Forget the gym. Forget healthy food. Bring on the fat and the sugar! I wanna see rolls baby, rolls.
I resolve to fail school and thereby stay in it forever. Just because.
I resolve to not publish anything. I'm hiding all my work in a closet... No, better yet, I'm gonna put it in a folder in a box in a three-foot hole in the ground under the animal farm in Lincoln Park. And just in case you go there looking for it, it's really on the bottom of the pond with the swan paddle boats.
I resolve to watch more TV. My goal is at least eight hours a day. Preferably lots of reality TV and those shows like Jerry Springer where people get dramatically angry about their cousin stealing their boyfriend who used to be a woman and now know one knows whose baby is whose.
I resolve to start smoking. I'd like to have empha...emph...uhhh...lots
I resolve to wear nothing but sweatpants and tweety bird shirts for six days a week. Rats-nest hair is a must.
I resolve to paint my nails then chip away half the paint. Every week.
I resolve to smell.
I resolve rub my face in the fur of a cat and cause a major allergic reaction then spend two weeks complaining about it.
In fact, I resolve to complain more.
I resolve to eat beef jerky for three of five meals a day. This is to help my resolution to smell.
I resolve to be a financial wreck. I'll see YOU in IHateSchoolLoans court! You think that could be a show on TV? 'cause that would help me with my TV goal...
I resolve to be stressed out. Every single day.
I resolve to keep my Christmas Tree until June. Then I resolve to set fire to it in the middle of the street. My pyrotechnics will last all of three seconds but it will be cool.
I resolve to be a bimbo. Like, what? *twirls hair*
I resolve to talk as though I'm living in a soap-opera world:
"Peter, I have to tell you something, it's..."
*cue dramatic song*
"...it's not your baby Peter! It's Jack's baby."
"Jack? So that was YOU at the chateau that one weekend when that thing happened with those people! I thought your ski boots looked familiar!"
I resolve to be disgustingly mushy with my boyfriend. Oh wait...
I resolve to write more snarky lists.
