NY Resolutions: I've Uttery Failed

I've failed horribly at most of my New Years Resolutions, and it is with a heart full of self-loathing that I take an in-depth look into my year so far.

1: I resolved not to get in shape. Instead of bringing on the rolls, I can't seem to stay away from the treadmill; those lovely gray curves and shiny buttons and the smell of sweat - they have entranced me! My lovely spare tire is slowly drifting away, much to my dismay. Oh chunky thighs! Where-for-art-thou chunky thighs? Please come back and soften this toned body!

2: I resolved to fail school and stay in it forever. I'm ashamed to admit that I graduated, and with honors no less. Yes, I can see how embarrassed you are for me - I know you can hardly stand to look in my face, it's just that...that those darn graduation gowns and tassels are so cute that I couldn't help myself. I got caught up in the spirit of it all and forgot to skip my classes. I can't bear to think of all the extra work I suckered myself into doing just so I could impress my teachers. Oh the shame, oh the misery.

3: I resolved not to publish anything but to instead hide all my work in the bottom of the pond at Lincoln Park. I can, with some minute bit of pleasure, say that I have not published anything...under my own name. A bitter concession, true, but I've so honorably tried to hide my work away. And it would have worked, I swear, if those darn swans hadn't waddled after me, honking and snapping wildly while papers flew helter-skelter across the sky.*

4: I resolved to watch more TV. Instead, I watched less. I'm a disgrace to my fellow Americans. I have personally thrown our statistics out of whack. It's all my fault.

5: I resolved to start smoking so I could cough a lot. There was one lovely round with hookah in a Persian tea house that seemed to be the promising start of a new relationship. Sadly, my inability to work a lighter, or find the correct end of a cigarette, has led to the demise of this resolution. Never fear! I shall do my best to find another destructive habit!

6: This resolution was such a good one: to wear sweatpants and Tweety-bird shirts six days a week with rats-nest hair. How could I have gone wrong? Alas, temptation proved to be too much and so I succumbed to Charlotte Russe and Salon 1800 respectively.

7: In this I can at least claim to be successful: I have painted my fingernails and chipped away most of the paint - within twenty-four hours no less! This resolution stands strong above them all!

8: I resolved to smell: does smelling like cocoa butter and honey/vanilla count? 'Cause my boyfriend told me that if I didn't shower, he wouldn't hang out with me any more.

9: As far as rubbing my face in the fur of a cat goes, and thereby causing a major allergic reaction which I would then complain about for two weeks...I tried. I really tried. But every cat I found in the alleyway would run away from me. It is of no consolation that several neighbors thanked me for peaceful nights of uninterrupted sleep.*

10: I resolved to complain more and this whole post has been one big complaint. Win!

11: I was supposed to eat beef jerky five times a day in order to support my efforts to smell. This stopped when I discovered truckers following me around a grocery store one day, sniffing the air and asking employees where the jerky was. *

12: You'd think of all resolutions that I could easily fulfill, that my resolution to be a financial wreck would be a guaranteed done-deal. But then the government had to go and interfere and provide affordable school loan repayment options. It's not all their fault though. I shamefully admit to secretly licking a few envelopes shut at three a.m. and sneaking my bills to the post office. At least I had the decency to hide them between thank-you cards and letters to my mother.

13: Ahh yes, the resolution to be stressed out every single day. Another bright spot in my hopeless track record. It is with great honor that I admit my stress levels continue to run on high, each and every day. Win!

14: It turns out that keeping your Christmas tree until June and then setting fire to it in the middle of the street is grounds for arrest by the City of Chicago. They didn't believe me when I said that the gas station twenty feet away would be safe; that there's no way the burning lumps of pine could drift...uh oh... *

15: I resolved to be a bimbo. Turns out this is easy to accomplish when you have very little sleep and bad cell phone reception. "Like, what?"

16: As far as my resolution to speak as though I'm on a soap opera, here's a direct quote: "Hahahahahahaha."

17: After several episodes of public puking and yells of "PDA!! PDA!!" we have substantiated the fact that yes, my boyfriend and I are disgustingly mushy. Resolution fulfilled! Despite a few bright moments, I would have to say that over-all, I have completely failed in my resolutions this year.

* --> I forgot why I kept putting this at the end of posts, probably to add some sort of disclaimer. Since I can't remember which disclaimer-of-the-day I was going to use, here's a few general ones: I'm not liable; it's probably not true; I can't say for sure either way; it could be yes and it could be no.